


If I Stay

by LunaWinchester4255



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Castiel, Break Up, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Demisexual Castiel, Depressed Castiel, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Past Castiel/Michael (Supernatural), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Top Dean, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:36:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9389441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaWinchester4255/pseuds/LunaWinchester4255
Summary: Castiel suffers from depression, and struggles handling himself let alone others. Dean, have dealing with this for years,  happily stays by his side regardless of his emotions.  What happens when old flames are rekindled in a not-so-clean manner leading to past alcoholism problems and hurting oneself?





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Note/Disclaimer
> 
> With Castiel's depression and his behavior, I'm writing as accurate as I can with prior knowledge and my own experiences with relationships and mental illnesses.
> 
> Also, the suicide attempt is only briefly mentioned then discussed later on in the story.

Castiel believed he was immune.

 

“It can happen to everyone, but not me; it's improbable,” he said as his eyes welled with saltwater, the feeling agitating. He couldn't bear crying, especially when his best friend was sleeping in the room next to him. He preferred dealing with emotions in isolation, but truthfully he prayed that someone understand.

 

Maybe that person would be Dean, since they were childhood friends. Castiel smiled at the thought, momentarily forgetting that he'd been shedding tears for the past half hour. Half of him debated against storming into his friend's room and crawling into his arms while the other encouraged it. Don't get him wrong, Castiel had a...crush on Dean, for lack of a better word. But in his current state, perhaps having a boyfriend…er, relationship, was not the best idea.

 

His eyes shifted to the pillow where he was laying previously, the fabric tear-stained. He exhaled softly, his breath still tremorous from the state he was previously in. He breathed as best as he could before rising off his bed and walking out of his room to the restroom, then to get a drink of water.

 

As he approached the living room, Cas heard the sound of soft smooching and light chuckling that he recognized it belonged to none other than Dean. He sniffled softly as he neared the lounge, not wanting to interrupt Dean's moment of intimacy with his lover. He passed behind the couch, seeing exactly what he expected: Benny had one hand on Dean's side as he was leaned over closer to the other male. Their lips were pressed against one another's in a slight embrace, and Dean was smiling.

 

The sight caused a spiral of jealousy in his abdomen, which caused more tears to stream down his cheeks. He felt immobile, a stoic look painted across his features. His eyes were glued to the floor for what seemed like an eternity before he heard quick footsteps ascending towards him and felt a strong hand on his forearm.

 

“Cas? Cas?” Dean whispered gently, partially easing Castiel out of his clouded mind state. “Come on, buddy, let's get you cleaned up,” Dean knew better than to bring up the topic of Cas’ state of distraught. Cas clung to Dean vulnerably as they walked to the medium-sized bathroom together. Dean shut the door, not giving a second thought about Benny at that moment.

 

“You gotta breathe for me, bumblebee,” Dean cooed gently, sitting Cas down on the lid of the toilet before grabbing a washcloth from the cabinet behind him (which, of course, Castiel insisted on,) before turning on the faucet. He set the cloth beneath the stream of warm water before shutting it off once more and wringing it out.

 

Cas’ breath was shallower than previously but he did his best to control what he could. He tried to focus on his best friend, one hand reaching out for him. Dean noticed how he beckoned him weakly, so he quickly (but gently) grabbed the other's hand in an attempt to calm him. “Hey, focus on me.”

 

He then wiped beneath Castiel’s puffy eyes and ran the cloth along his features, smiling.

 

“There we go. Feeling better?” he asked and Cas nodded slightly.

 

“Thank you… I'm sorry that I interrupted you and him.  You didn't have to help me Dean, I-”

 

“It's fine, I promise. You have no reason to apologize Cas. You know you're important to me, and I'm sure Benny will understand. I couldn't just leave you like that, I care about you too much. Did we wake you up?” he tilted his head in hopes that he wasn't the reason why Castiel was crying.

 

He shook his head, “No, I actually forgot that he was here. I was crying but I didn't want to bother you-- I thought you were in your room-- so I came out here for a drink of water.  But it seems I bothered you anyways.” Castiel looked down, feeling guilty for interrupting Dean's moment with Benny.

 

Dean shook his head and looked into his eyes. “You're not a bother, Cas. I promise. I know you're hurting, but are you hungry? I can order anything or I'll even cook for you. I know you like my burgers.”

 

Cas wasn't very responsive, and Dean had learned previously that he had to be compassionate and caring when it came to things like this, so he had to try his best. “Or if you're tired maybe I can stay with you until you fall asleep? Whatever you'd like. Just name it.”

 

Cas returned his gaze to the other, then looked at his hand. “You don't have to, really. I've taken enough away from your night. I should let you have fun, I'm too much of a party pooper,” he sighed softly. ‘Benny would get too jealous anyhow,’ he didn't add.

 

“I insist. Really.” Dean reassured further.

 

“Alright...sure. Thank you. I do need some sleep.” Dean stood up from his crouching position and pulled Cas up as well before pushing open the cracked door, an agitated Benny standing before them.

 

“Dean. Can we talk real quick? No offence to your…friend...but I think you and I have something to discuss,” he said, failing to mask the impatience in his voice.

 

“Give me a second, Benny,” he exhaled then added, “Please.”

 

Castiel pulled away and descended down the hallway. “I'll see you in the morning…” Dean almost reached for him but decided not to.  

 

“What's wrong, Benny?” Dean asked, shifting his weight, not fully paying attention to Benny now that he had seen Cas like that. As far as he knew, Cas hadn't cried like that since his dad had died last year. Currently he was worried about Castiel and Castiel only.

 

“‘What's wrong, Benny?!’” he huffed in disbelief. “Are you serious, man? What is with him? This isn't the first time you ditched me for him, and if you care about him more than me, why don't you fuck him instead? Or are you already? Since we haven't in months.”

 

Dean could tell that these were pent up feelings, so he decided to let Benny get them out. It would be no use to make excuses, but truthfully he didn't have much time for Benny anymore. He thought he could make it up in little things like this, but Benny had already begun to see through his facade. 

 

“Firstly we haven't had sex in _a_ month. Not several. Second, I can't believe you think I would cheat on you! What the hell is your problem, man? You know I've been busting my ass at the garage! I have friends, a brother, a soon-to-be brother in law, and It's kind of a lot on my plate. So excuse me for not being in the mood!”

 

“We're past “not in the mood”, why don't you just say what this really is?”

 

“I don't know what you're talking about. Just-- just stop this!” Though Dean was angry he didn't want to be too loud and upset Cas any further. He didn't want to be the cause of that.

“ You're not in love with me. Just admit it. You're in love with Cas. You always have been.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Oh, come on. At least have the courtesy to not treat me like an idiot, Dean. Be kind enough and don't lie to me. I at least deserve that.  I've been nice, I loved you.”

 

Dean felt his heart stop momentarily. "I-I tried to…”

 

Benny sucked his teeth, “Tch. Called it. I'm sorry Dean, we're not going to work out." He grabbed his jacket and began to walk out.

 

The shutting of the door followed the footsteps.

 

“Dean…?” Castiel whispered, causing Dean to whirl around and look at him. “I, uhm… I found my bee hoodie that you got me for my birthday...Dean?”

  
He walked to Cas and wrapped his arms around him and inhaled, keeping him close. If Benny would've given him more time he would've fallen in love probably. Maybe.


	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months after Dean and Benny's breakup, Dean and Castiel begin to grow closer than before. Though Castiel is hurting more than he's letting on, how much more can he withstand before it blows up in his face?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note/Disclaimer
> 
> With Castiel's depression and his behavior, I'm writing as accurate as I can with prior knowledge and my own experiences with relationships and mental illnesses.

Dean opened the door to Castiel’s bedroom, a plastic bag in his hand. “Hey, sleepy head. I picked you up some tissues since I saw you ran out. Colds are the worst, aren't they?” 

 

“Don't make fun of me, Dean,” Castiel replied sternly, his nose bright red. 

 

“If I wanted to make fun of you I'd call you Rudolph, now take them,” he chuckled and handed Cas the medium-sized box. “I also know how you like to keep your feet warm, so I grabbed you fluffy socks. I assumed you'd like the black and yellow pattern.”

 

“I think you think too much of me, Dean. It might be a problem.” 

 

“I don't think so. I just care about you, Cas; you're my best friend.” 

 

Those words meant almost everything to Cas, since it was about all he had left. But no matter how often Dean called him that or how much affection he gave, he'd still feel unwanted. If only there was a way to explain to Dean how he was hurting, or how the days only began to get worse and worse.

 

“I'm here to help, Cas. Whatever you need. Really,” Dean admitted he didn't have a good grip on Cas’ state, and he didn't know where to start, in regards to helping.

 

“You'll catch my cold. But,” he drawled, inhaling, “Could you make me some soup? Chicken noodle would be wonderful...if we still have any.”

 

“Chicken noodle soup, coming up.”

 

Castiel nodded and smiled softly. “Thank you, Dean.”

 

“No problem.”

 

Dean then made his way to the kitchen and sifted through some of the cabinets to search the contents. “Tomato...nope.” he put the can back, pulling out another. “Ah-hah. Got it.” 

 

After he opened the can and dumped it into a pot, he turned on the stove. 

 

Taking care of Cas didn't bother Dean one bit. It made him feel needed, and that's all he wanted truthfully. 

 

Before, Dean didn't have any time for himself, let alone time for Cas or even Benny. It didn't help that when Benny  _ did _ invite him over or vice versa, 99% of the time it'd be him guilt tripping Dean for working so much or for the fact he hadn't told him he loved him. Honest he was glad it was over. It was too toxic for him, and he felt good being able to admit that in retrospect. 

 

Dean waited for the soup to cool down before bringing it to the other. 

 

“Okay, here's your chicken noodle soup, extra hot. Wait for it to cool down before eating, obviously.”

 

“I'm well aware of the dangers of scalding hot liquids, Dean.”

 

Dean held up his hands defensively. “Fine, fine. Just saying.” 

After Cas ate and the dishes were done, Dean wanted to stay by his side.

 

“I can stay. Just, cause’ ya know… you're sick and stuff so I'll just stick around,” Dean murmured lamely.

 

“Dean, I have no objections. You don't have to explain yourself,” Castiel scooted over and made room for Dean on his bed. 

 

He knew there was an inevitable opportunity to be close to Castiel, and taking care of him allowed him the window of time to be close to him. Perhaps they could talk...maybe. Dean had always been hesitant expressing emotions and he always had been. That's why things didn't work out with Benny or Anna or Balthazar…well, that and the fact he had been harboring a love for Castiel so large he had half expected his heart to burst when he hugged him for the first time in a long time a few months ago.

 

Castiel happened to be the exact opposite. He was held back by the fear of rejection, especially because his past relationships have tanked. He regretted not telling Dean that he's always thought of him as more than a friend, but he knew-- that by the way he looked at Dean and followed his every move with determined eyes-- it was probably incredibly obvious.

 

For the next few weeks, Dean made sure that Cas’s illness was eradicated from his immune system and that everything was in working order (on the surface at least.) 

Now was to work on the other part. He attempted to recollect how he dealt with it when he was younger,  but only few things surfaced immediately. He'd have to brood upon it later.

 

The first thing on the list was sleeping next to him. When they were younger and had a sleepover, they would cuddle, but now they were adults and Dean's obviously too manly for that. Cas doesn't care, though.

 

“No, not admitting it's called ‘cuddling’ is unmanly. Not the act itself.”

 

“For the love of…” Dean rolled his eyes and laid back on the bed, facing Cas. 

 

Castiel’s eyes fluttered open and they met Dean's, causing the latter's expression to soften. 

 

‘Don't say it. Don't kiss him. Stay quiet, Winchester.’ he thought to himself, shutting his eyes once more.

 

Dean either slept better than he had in years or it was the worst night with the man he loved just out of his reach. 

 

He opened an eye as the sun rose, rays of blinding light shining over him and Castiel, casting a halo over his head. 

 

“I guess you really are an angel,” he whispered before laying back down and looking at the sleeping face of the man who could make or break him with few words. 

 

\--

 

“It was an accident. It was just… I needed to feel. Then I kept doing it, because I felt no-one understood. I wanted to keep feeling and it provided that. I may be selfish for doing this to myself but I need to put myself first and this is how I do it.”

 

Cas let out a shuddered breath as he looked down his arms, crimson lines scattered across the length of his skin. 

 

His clean shirt laid on his bed, caught up in the self inflicted cuts and marks. They stung, and he hated them. Hated himself even more for doing it. 

 

“Why am I such a fuck up?” 

 

Just as he was about put on a shirt, Dean walked in. “Hey, Cas I was wondering if you wanted to watch-” his mouth went dry, his eyes scanning over the fresh cuts along his sides and arms.

 

“I-I...shut the door! Don't look at me!” Castiel spat, tears streaming down his cheeks in frustration. He felt his heart racing and he just wanted Dean to go away, but he also wanted to pull him closer. Or he wanted to disappear. One of those.

 

Once he was dressed and left his room he was stopped by Dean almost immediately.

 

“Dean, don’t-” he whimpered. He hated confrontation. 

 

“Why Cas…? I just gotta know. I mean I know it's been rough but if there's something you're not telling me o-or if there's anything I can do to help… please you gotta let me know..” 

 

“But you wouldn't understand!” he clenched Dean's shirt and began to sob worse. “You don't know how it feels wanting to slice my skin because I can't feel anything at all. I'm numb, Dean. Everything is my fault and I hate myself. I can't-I can't do anything right… I do more bad than good and I… I'm an inconvenience to everyone around me. My dad drank because of me. My dad left because of me.”

 

“Cas I'm so-”

 

“Don't say it! You're not sorry and I don't want your damn pity,” he sniffled. “It's all because of me and I did this to myself. I'm not worth anyone's time...  I couldn't even defend myself against  _ him _ . I wish I could go back and not have stayed after school that one day...it's all my fault.”

  
Dean cupped his cheeks and looked into his eyes. “You're worth mine. Castiel Novak you're the most incredible person I've ever met and you're my best friend in the entire world and I couldn't bear to be without you. I'm sorry… I truly wholy am. And it's not your fault for what happened with Michael. You're not a bother, and none of it is your fault. You mean so much to me, Cas..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and Comments are lovely and highly appreciated! Thank you ♡


	3. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past six months have been too much for Castiel, sending him over the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note/Disclaimer
> 
> With Castiel's depression and his behavior, I'm writing as accurate as I can with prior knowledge and my own experiences with relationships and mental illnesses.
> 
> !!!PLEASE READ!!!
> 
> THIS CHAPTER INCLUDES MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

The days began to get longer and harder to bear. The nights seemed endless for Castiel and it got harder and harder for him to get out of bed. 

 

And he couldn't stop cutting. It felt like Dean stopped noticed and tried to ignore his state, which only made him feel worse. He wished things could be normal, he wished that he didn't have to deal with himself or the random bouts of tears and anger. He felt invalid and ridiculous. 

 

There was no way that his depression could just come out of nowhere...right? 

 

Wrong. 

 

The toll of the loneliness was beginning to sink in and truthfully he didn't think he could last much longer. It was like he was a mule, carrying carts of baggage. The pain, anger, sadness and numbness welled inside him; he knew that his inexorable fate was coming close and he couldn't do anything about it. 

 

He felt like a waste of space, an old dusty knick knack covered in dust on an old shelf that was never ever paid attention to anymore and he knew that he'd be forgotten by even the man he loved. 

 

Ah, Dean. Just the thought of the man brought a smile to his face and the thought of his warm arms around Castiel made his tears dry up and he felt safe for a short while. But he knew he hurt Dean. He could tell in his not-so-wide smile and the way he knew how much Dean wanted him to be normal. He wanted a normal friendship, and even a relationship. But with the way he was, he couldn't have that. He felt like he caused Dean too much pain, he took up too much of his time. 

 

He was an inconvenience. That's what he felt like to everyone around him and just about everything gave him copious amounts of anxiety and he just wanted to bury himself in his bed. Though not every day was a major let down, the bad began to outweigh the good. 

 

More tears were present and he couldn't stop crying. He wished for a way out, but he knew there was only one way to do that. He knew it'd be best for everyone if he followed through.  

  
  


Castiel sighed heavily then exhaled, sitting on the edge of his bed and stared at his wrists. 

 

Just then, Dean knocked on the door and came into his room, a soft smile on his lips. 

 

“Hey, Cas. I know it may not be much help but I brought this… maybe that will make you feel a bit better?” he asked, holding up an ace bandage and some Neosporin. 

 

Cas looked up and tears streamed down his cheeks as he nodded slowly. “Y-yes please.” he whispered softly. His throat was beyond sore from crying and whimpering so much, his vocal chords strained. 

 

His chest hurt too from heaving, in all honesty he hurt so fucking much from head to toe.

 

Dean crossed over to Castiel from the door and set the items down onto the bed before stepping in front of him and kneeling like a knight would to a King. He took the other's hand gingerly and ran his lips over his fingers and then pressed a soft kiss to the back of his hand. He then turned Castiel’s hand, his lips returning to the appendages. He placed a gentle kiss on the center of his palm, his rough and chapped lips contrasted by Cas’ incredibly soft hands. 

 

He then cupped his own cheek using Castiel’s hand. 

 

“You're still an incredible person to me. I care about you and your well being. I know that on the surface I am what I am but I do care about you.” 

 

“I love you,” he wanted to say. 

 

He pulled away and opened the tube and squirted out a line onto a cotton swab pad and rubbed it diaphanously along Castiel’s cuts, watching his expressions to make sure that he didn't hurt him. 

 

He wrapped the ace bandage along his wrist and forearm, holding it gently. 

 

He then repeated the process before applying the medicine to his wrists and wrapping it.

 

After Dean finished, Cas instinctively hugged him and kept his arms around Dean's torso.

 

“Hey buddy, take a deep breath. It's okay I'm not going anywhere. I'm here.”

 

“D-Dean...can you...stay?”

 

Dean stayed silent for a moment, as if for suspense. That didn't help Castiel’s current state. 

 

“Of course,” he finally replied. Cas didn't notice he was holding his breath. 

 

“Just until I fall asleep…” 

 

And Dean did so. He slept next to him that night, hoping that the support would help him, but Cas had already made up his mind. 

\--

 

After Cas had fallen asleep Dean went out into the lounge, not able to go back to sleep. 

 

He checked the clock, it was a little past midnight. He sifted through the couch cushions for his phone,  seeing a few missed calls from Sam and a voice message, along with two texts. Before he could call him back,  he heard a loud bang coming from Cas’ room. 

 

“Cas? Cas!” He called. “Did you fall?” He hoped a bruised knee or a dislocated arm was the only contusion the other had suffered from. 

 

Dean jumped up when he didn't hear a response, quickly running to Castiel's room. The door wasn't only shut, but it was locked as well. 

 

“No no no! Shit!” Dean stepped back and kicked the door. “Please, god no!” he kicked once more, then again before the door creaked open and he ran through the threshold, his best friend hanging from a rope attached to the ceiling. 

 

“CAS NO!” Dean cried, running to grab the knife from his room and running back, lifting Cas’ legs in an attempt to save him. He cut the rope and grabbed his phone, calling 911. He felt his pulse falter but it was still there barely.

 

“Hello?! My-my best friend just attempted suicide he-- he did it while-- he still has a pulse but please hurry I don't think he's going to last much longer please!” he told the address and apartment number as he held Cas in his arms.

  
“Please please be okay…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter broke me when I wrote it. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are lovely and highly appreciated ♡ thank you for your support.


	4. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel doesn't want Dean to leave, even though he has no intention to. Cas will do almost anything to keep his emerald-eyed savior by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note/Disclaimer
> 
> With Castiel's depression and his behavior, I'm writing as accurate as I can with prior knowledge and my own experiences with relationships and mental illnesses.

His eyes opened reluctantly, and he felt like he had slept for over a week. He looked down and the bandages had been removed and the marks had been treated professionally. He had a visible rope burn around his neck.

 

He looked around the room, recognizing it as a hospital room immediately. 

 

His gaze fell onto Dean, whose head was laying on the metal bar of the side railing. Was he...praying? Crying?

 

He heard a soft sniffle come from the man, which confirmed that he was crying. He slowly reached for his hand as he spoke. 

 

“Dean… I'm okay...I think,” his voice came out quieter and more hoarse than he expected,  but something was better than nothing. Deans head snapped up and his eyes were wide, unbelieving that Castiel was alive. His eyes watered more as their fingers intertwined. 

 

“Y-you're alive, man...I got so scared I…” he couldn't finish his sentence, but Castiel knew what he was trying to say. 

 

“I'm sorry, Dean. I know it's not worth much, but I'm sorry. I should've told you that I was having suicidal thoughts.”

 

“What about now?” Dean felt dumb for asking the question, but he had to know. 

 

“Well I don't think I have the simple “yes” or “no” answer you're looking for, Dean. The night I attempted to end it, I felt alone but I also felt selfish. I felt like I was hurting you and like I was making you take care of me when I can't take care of myself. I didn't want to put you through all of that.”

 

“Cas, you didn't have a gun to my head. I-... I like taking care of you because part of me needs you to need me. When you ask me to hold you at night or to help you with getting out of bed or to make you breakfast, anything-- I love it-- it makes me happy when you ask things of me. Because I get to show you affection.”

 

“Affection?” 

 

He sighed and nodded, looking down. 

“I thought it was obvious. You're my best friend and you know me better than anyone, man. You're the only one I can talk to. You're about all I have left and you're one of the few people I trust.”

 

“You could have found someone else, Dean.”

 

“I don't want anyone else. I don't. I just want you.”

 

“Why did you save me? There's something you're not telling me…”

 

Dean leaned closer to Castiel, slowly cupping one of his cheeks and pressed his lips against the other's. 

 

Castiel was shocked, but nevertheless he kissed Dean back, feeling like he was dreaming. His arms wrapped around Dean's neck and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.

 

He had waited too long to experience the rough lips being gentle for only him, the murderous eyes softening to his gaze and the intimidation turning into ecstatic submission.

 

Once they both had stopped filtering their breath to their noses, they mutually pulled away, only able to look at one another.

 

“I....” Castiel was speechless.

 

“I know they say that you can't love someone unless you love yourself first, but-”

 

Castiel cut him off immediately.

 

“Bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you,” he exhaled, and looked at Dean in awe, “God, I love you so much. I forgot what hating myself feels like…”

 

“I'm not… you're not going to see me for a while, Cas,” he stated sourly, “But I'm gonna visit. I will visit you everyday. Wherever they send you, I'm going to see you as long as I can until they send you back to me. Then we--” he ran his fingers over Castiel’s bottom lip. “We can pick up wherever you want to.” 

 

More tears filled the blonde-haired man's eyes, holding onto Castiel’s hand. 

\--

 

The cool metal seat contrasted Castiel’s body heat, but it was the only unoccupied seat in the room. 

 

Since Cas had been sent to the behavioral center, they had group therapy three days a week, one-on-one therapy two days, and the other two he could do as he pleased. And on Sunday, he went to the Chapel. Despite what anyone said, he found solace in hearing the gospel, especially in his current state. 

 

He had questions, and eventually he hoped that he could find the answers. 

 

Every day at six pm, the patients were allowed an hour and thirty minutes of visiting time, and he was more than thankful that Dean kept his promise. 

 

Castiel--two weeks into the program-- sat down at his and Dean's usual table. He was reading his bible to pass the time while he waited for Dean. 

 

Dean walked up to Cas and sat next to him, slipping his arm to loop into Castiel’s and pressed a kiss to his temple. “How's church?” 

 

“Complicating. How was the drive?”

 

“Boring. How are you doing...here?”

 

“The marks are healing and I'm seeing a therapist. It's a process though. I miss you, but I'm grateful I get to see you every day.”

 

“Don't worry. I'm on the other side of the fence when you come out of here.”

 

“If that was a reference of some kind, I do not understand it.”

 

“Nevermind.”

 

Dean and Castiel talked for their usual amount of time until Dean had to leave, and as usual he kissed his cheek, not his lips. That would wait until Cas got better.

 

“Wait, Dean,” Cas called as the latter turned his back. 

 

“I want to do it today. Please.” 

 

Dean turned his head and looked at Cas, tilting his head in confusion. 

 

Cas nodded his head once in reassurance, one of his hands cupping his cheek and pulling the taller man down for a full kiss. 

 

“I'll see you later,” Dean whispered against his lips and hugged him once. 

 

After visiting hours, Cas had a scheduled meet with the pastor since he had a better time talking to him in a confession booth rather than a therapist. 

 

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” 

 

“What have you done, my son?”

 

“I…,” he spoke reluctantly, “I am in love with another man. I can't help it. He has been with me through everything and he has helped me so much. 

 

“Do you lust after him?”

 

“There were times as a teenager. And some carrying into adulthood but I want him for all he is. I'm after his heart. I wish to marry him one day.”

 

“Is he the reason you were admitted?”

 

“N-no. He stopped me from being admitted sooner or being put in a grave.”

 

“God will not forsake you for loving another. But for lusting after him, we all have done it. Ten Hail Mary's and 90 days of community service once you are discharged.”

 

“Tough, but fair. Thank you, father.”

\--

Cas sat across from the therapist, his hands folded.

 

“Hello, Castiel. I'm Samandriel. Pleasure to meet you,” he held his hand out for Castiel to shake

 

“Hello.”

 

“Why are you here, Castiel? Sorry, let me rephrase. What made you come here?”

 

“I wanted to die. And I acted on it,” he pointed to the fading mark on his neck. 

 

“I noticed that during visiting hours, a certain male comes and he seems rather close to you. Could you tell me about him?”

 

“His name is...Dean. And I love him. He helped me throughout it all and he's actually the reason I'm here today. If he wouldn't have cut the rope...well, you know.”

 

“I understand. Now, I'm not trying to take anything away from you and all your emotions are valid, but if you love Dean so much, why did you decide to make an attempt on your life? Was he not there to support you when you needed it?”

 

“No. It... it was quite the opposite. He was there. At the drop of a shoe. He showed compassion and understanding and he even wrapped my cuts after he saw them…” he looked down. “And he sees me every day. Despite what I put him through he was still there for me…” Cas whispered, sniffling.

 

“What made you feel like you had to?”

 

“I guess it was...a bargain of some type. I was living in pain. I didn't want him to. I wanted to end my life so he could live his.”

 

“The pain must have been unimaginable. Have you had problems in the past with that?”

 

“I used to think he drank because of me.” 

 

Samadriel raised a brow. “I'm sure that's not true. Why would you think that?”

 

“I didn't...I don't know.”  

Castiel had always doubted himself, especially when it came to Dean's past alcoholism after Benny first came into his life and Cas got admitted the first time. 

\--

Two months had passed and Cas wasn't sure if he was ready to come back home.  He took his medicine and sat down, his therapist signing his discharge papers and he signed it as well.

 

He stepped out of the doors, the Impala parked out front, a handsome Winchester sitting on the hood with flowers in his hands. 

  
Dean walked up to Cas and gave him a hug. “Welcome back.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are lovely and highly appreciated ♡ thank you!


	5. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's recovery after his suicide attempt. Dean is all he has now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note/Disclaimer
> 
> With Castiel's depression and his behavior, I'm writing as accurate as I can with prior knowledge and my own experiences with relationships and mental illnesses.

“Good morning.” Dean greeted, turning on his side and pulling Castiel into his arms warmly. 

 

“Morning Dean…” Cas hadn't slept well that night. He thought that once he got home he'd be sleeping better, but truthfully he couldn't sleep at all. 

 

“Did you sleep okay?”

 

“Not at all. I've been feeling insomniac lately and I'm not sure why.”

 

“Well it's Sunday, so you can sleep in and rest. I don't have to work today so I'll stay here with you. Have you thought about going back to the soup kitchen? You seemed to be sleeping well once you started helping but then again I'm not as observant as I thought…”

 

“No, no, you're right. I'm not sure. I just feel like sinking into the bed but my mind is racing, truthfully.”

 

“Have you been taking your medicine?”

 

“No… that might be why,” Cas sighed in defeat.

 

“Could you get me a glass of water…? I'll take it. You can watch me.”

 

“I know it sucks, Cas, but once you get in the habit of taking it then you should start feeling better. I believe in you.” Dean went to get him a glass of water and returned shortly. 

 

“Thank you,” he held onto Dean's hand as he took his anti-depressant and gulped down some water.

 

His face scrunched up sourly, which caused him to drink more.

 

Dean smiled and sat next to him. 

 

“So, now that I'm out...what's going to happen between us?” Cas whispered, his eyes fixated on the floor as he addressed the elephant in the room.

 

“Well, firstly, how do you feel about me?” Dean tilted his head, his words gentle and patient. 

 

“Don't ask stupid questions. You know how I feel about you.” 

“Okay, okay, sorry. Nextly, do you want to be with me?” Dean slipped his hand back into Castiel’s.

 

Castiel nodded truthfully. It baffled him that even in his twenties, he could be left dumbstruck over another person. But Dean wasn't just ‘another person’. He was Dean Winchester, and that name meant everything to him. He knew that he wasn’t perfect, but that didn't bother Dean because he was in the same boat. Dean had problems with drinking a couple years back, and for the longest time Cas thought he was the reason.

 

But Dean eventually came clean and eventually went to rehab, and the first person he called was Cas. Not Sam, not Benny. Him. 

 

Castiel had always loved Dean, but he always seemed to miss his chances because he was dealing with his mental health or they were a few words away from a kiss. The closest they were to kissing before the hospital was at a party a few years back. It made him wonder how they went from there to where they are now.

 

“How do you feel about labels?” Dean asked, looking up at him, “For us, I mean.”

 

“Oh, come on. You can be more romantic than that.”

 

“How do I say this romantically; you're always on my mind, and you have been for the longest time. I had a crush on you for the longest time but you never seemed interested so I tried to date other people.  But they didn't work out because you're all I've ever wanted.”

 

“Kiss me.” 

 

“What?”

 

“Kiss me. Now, Winchester.” Cas’ hand crept up to his shoulder, obviously trying to get his attention. 

 

“Oh-yeah of course,” Dean felt stupid for not catching on sooner, excitedly he turned fully to Castiel and pressed their lips together lovingly. He felt like a starving man who had finally got his fill when he was kissing Castiel, and truthfully he couldn't get enough. 

 

The warmth and softness of his lips made him grab for him more, Castiel ending up pressed to his chest while he was held protectively in his lap. 

 

Once they parted for breath, Dean's lips were cherry red and Cas’ cheeks appeared to be the same color. 

 

It wasn't long before they were kissing again. Castiel practically couldn't get enough of his new found love, and for the first time in months he felt safe again in Dean's arms.

\--

 

“You're all...I have…” Castiel whispered, one hand on Dean's cheek as he slept. “Please don't see that you're too good for me.” 

 

It was roughly a week into their new relationship, so it wasn't difficult for doubts and insecurities to surface in Castiel’s mind. 

 

Tears streamed down his cheeks.  He didn't want Dean to leave,  and he felt sick at just the thought of Dean finding someone else. 

 

He didn't want to wake Dean with his crying,  so he decided to sleep back in his room.

 

As he sat up, the bed squeaked slightly and Dean--half asleep, mind you-- gently grabbed his boyfriend's hand. “What's the matter bumblebee? Come here…” 

 

Cas faltered and sat back on the bed, wiping his eyes. 

 

Dean sat up, seeing the faint tears and slowly directed Cas so he was in his lap. 

 

“Shh, hey, it's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.”

 

“I love you, Dean… You're all I have… you can't leave. But-”

 

“I'm not going to leave you. I want to be here. I know I don't have to but I am. I love you,  Castiel Novak. I always will.”

 

Dean pulled him so his head was against his chest and he slowly rocked him. 

 

“Dean…?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I just realized something.”

 

“What's that?”

 

“My parents, brother and your brother are going to give us an earful when they figure out what happened when they get back from the cruise…”

  
“They can say whatever. I'm here with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are lovely and highly appreciated ♡ thank you


	6. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place a year after Castiel got out of the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note/Disclaimer
> 
> With Castiel's depression and his behavior, I'm writing as accurate as I can with prior knowledge and my own experiences with relationships and mental illnesses.

Dean pressed against Castiel, his hands running down his back as he began to pant.    
“N-ngh…” 

 

“How does that feel baby?” Cas hummed, two slick fingers inside his fiance. 

 

Dean let out a shuddered breath as the slick appendages scissored inside him, slightly brushing up against  _ that _ spot. 

 

“T-there...please Cas…” Dean kissed his lips needily. “Please…”

 

“Please what, baby?” he purred and continued to finger him slowly.

 

“I want you...now...don’t play coy.” Dean’s eyes were lidded as he watched Cas sit back onto the pillows and added a third finger slowly, Dean pressing downwards. 

 

“F-fuck...I need you Cas…” he gripped his shoulders and pressed his head to his shoulder. 

 

“Are you ready?” he purred into Dean's ear, causing the other male to whimper. He nodded vigorously and laid back on the bed, his legs sprawled out. 

 

“Please take me…” his eyes glistened, “Mr. Winchester,” he bit his lip and held his arms out for Castiel, pulling him close as his angel of a man slicked up his own member before pressing the tip against his stretched hole.

 

“N-ngh…” he took a deep breath and relaxed. They had had sex many times, but the green-eyed male couldn't help but get nervous every time he sprawled himself out for his wonderful lover. 

 

He cupped Castiel’s cheeks and pulled him into a sloppy, hot kiss. He couldn't resist his fiancé, how his hands caressed his body and how he knew where all of Dean's hot spots were. 

 

Cas squeezed his bum and slid in smoothly, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses on his chest, neck, and clavicle; following the trail of freckles to the man's face.

 

Dean never thought that he'd admit it, but making love was one of his favorite activities. Maybe it was the pleasure, but that was only a part of it. Nothing could compare--not even the post-orgasmic ecstasy nor the oxytocin--to Castiel’s eyes staring into Dean's when he was around or inside him, telling him how much he loved him and how good he made him feel. 

 

It couldn't compare to Castiel’s smile and his gruff voice, or to his stubbly chin pressing against Cas’ smooth skin and the bittersweet taste of his release on his tongue. The man on top of him meant the world to him, and being able to hold and kiss him whenever he pleased made it all the better. 

 

Over the period of time Dean had been thinking about his lover, apparently he had been incredibly loud and he had been crying out in pleasure and grinding down onto Castiel, enjoying himself very much. 

 

Dean cupped his lover’s cheeks and wrapped his legs around Cas's waist, panting heavily. “h-hah...ah! Ah!” he stared into his lovers eyes and his mouth fell wide open, moans falling from both of the men's mouths in unison. 

 

Cas pulled out momentarily and flipped Dean on his hands and knees, pulling him by his hips and thrusting into him, their hips moving together in unison. Dean cried out in surprise, a loud whimper falling from his lips. 

 

“D-Dean I'm coming!” he cried, thrusting into his lover hard and came hard inside him, slipping his hand around to Dean's member and began to stroke him.  

 

Dean bucked his hips, moaning as he came hard into Castiel's fist.

 

\---

 

Castiel snuggled Dean's lap and sipped his tea, yawning softly. 

 

“A year ago... I was in a hospital room...crying… almost dead and now I'm happier than I've ever been with the man I love, who I'm going to marry soon. I love you and I know I'm not perfect… but I'm here. I love you Dean…” he kissed his lips and set his mug down, shifting so he was comfortable. 

 

“I love you too bumblebee. Thank you for loving me…” he knew things in the past have been hard, but he was also so proud of how far the two of them had made it and truthfully he couldn't have been prouder. He knew there was progress that had been made and they were still going to have hardships, but Castiel was most definitely worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys deserved a happy ending. Much love and thank you for reading! A little smut :)


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